Hope

Haven't written in such a long time. My fingers are cold and my typing is horrendous! But I am going to write about something! I might as well write it out because I think about it constantly. I don't know if others go through this or not. Recent events are causing me not just to question everything I ever believed in....but to actually really wonder what is going on. I am not going to write about it right now. I do assume it will make me lose friends. Oh well...........I wanna be honest. I have been totally obsessing over a word lately.....and that word is "Hope." Hopehopehope.......it's a very pretty word.....and it is keeping me going. But right now I have to take Blondie to Girl Scouts. I want to write about hope.......because it is a season for hope. Because I have hope. Because I love having hope. Because things may be weird and difficult......................but I have hope. I love having hope. In fact.....if you don't have hope.....I will give you some of mine! I gotta go! Duty calls. Must get back on the Mommy clock. More about hope later.

My children.....I completely adore them. I try to teach them right from wrong based on my very basic understanding of the concept. I try to look out for them, while letting them make, and be responsible for their own choices. I am not a perfect Mama. Very far from it. I have eccentricities, issues, and hang-ups that affect my children every day. My battle with anxiety is on-going, and I know they pay the price sometimes. But I (and my husband) have continually tried to teach them that God's love knows no bounds. That race is not an issue in our house. That the color of your skin should have no bearing on who you are. I had actually not had any "in your face" racism to deal with when it came to my children, until we moved to Tennessee. I mean, it was there.....I heard it, to a degree.......but mostly ignored it. I mean, how could it affect me, right? I am a (sorta) middle class white woman who is fairly open-minded. Maybe I should have examined that part of myself further. Maybe I will. But now, this has to do with my children. I came of age in Alabama....so why is this crap surprising me??? But it is. And it is making me very, very angry. Recently we went to pick one child up at a friend's house. My husband gets out of the car to get that child. Uncle of child's friend asks my husband if he was in the military. My husband says he was. Uncle of child's friend proceeds to tell my husband that he was injured while in the military because "some n----- wasn't paying attention to his job." This man has NEVER met us before. Hasn't even seen me. Doesn't know my race. Says this IN FRONT of my child! My husband came back to the car bewildered. We reiterated to our children that that kind of talk was NOT acceptable....but I felt upset none-the-less. Why would this man assume we would ever agree with him, or think that was an appropriate way to speak in front of someone he had just met? My guess is.....this dude talks like that all of the time, and it means absolutely nothing to him. Then the other night, one of my children's friends tells me that his/her parents told them that dating outside of one's race was against God! Arrgghh!!!!! What an ugly, short-sided way to use God to support your own prejudices! So now, I am helping one of my children unravel the feelings of fright about God's wrath and find answers to some very tough questions. I also know that my middle-schooler has heard things at school that have upset her. You don't have to like our president....but PLEASE keep your racist comments to yourself....'cause your children are going to repeat them at school! My grade-schooler has heard things on her bus as well....oh...AND heard some children saying some pretty bad things at school when Obama did his speech for school children last year. But....while they have a right to believe and teach their chikdren whatever they feel is right, I have a right to disagree AND demand my children not have to be privy to it at school. I guess as far as friends go...I have to just be there for them. I don't feel like keeping them away from friends whose parents I disagree with is the right answer. This is so tricky. And it is such a broad topic. Religion, race, politics......heavy stuff for such young people. But this is the world we live in. I love it and I love our country. SO I guess I will just focus on my own 3 precious children. My gifts..............(given to me). Every once in a while, the awesomeness of responsibility in raising children just brings me to my knees. I guess that's not such a bad place to fall.

Sooooo...........it's been a while. It's summer in full swing and the temps are already in the high 90's and it is not the heat.....it is the humidity, stupid!!

Anyway....been hanging out at the pool with the rest of the suburban moms (though they are probably school teachers out for the summer, and or not putting their families in dire straits while being out of work.) Bitter much? But really, I love the neighborhood pool. I am a people watcher by nature and have certainly observed some stereo-types over the past 2 weeks. I need to be clear, I am a chubby, very ordinary looking woman....I may fit into all category's or I may fit into none. These are just observations.

The Mom Who Doesn't Want Her Children Splashed- She may be my least favorite. The pool is full of children letting off energy. Full of parents playing with their kids. Chances are your precious little 2 year old is going to get splashed during an over-zealous game of sharks and minnows. Get over it....or take them to the baby pool. Oh....and I bet you park your giant Graco in the aisles of restaurants, don't you? yeah....I thought so.........

The Mom With The AAAHHHHMMMAAAZZZIIINNNGGG Boobs!!- Okay....I've had 3 kids. My boobs are big(ish) and staring at my toes. She's had 3 kids. Her boobs are up to her chin! They are, what, an E? And so perfectly round. Dolly has nothing on this gal.

The Mom Who Should Buy A New Bathing Suit- Just one made in this century. That's all.

The Drunk Creeper Dad- I suspect that 64ounce cup from "On the Run" is not full of Mountain Dew. Maybe it's because I can smell you 3 feet away. No, I don't want to be thrown, thank you. Neither does my husband. Really. Stop looking at my 13 year old when she walks away. REALLY!!!!!!

Dad's Who Bond With Kids By Throwing Them 7 Feet in the Air- Son....I haven't seen you all week....let me fling you into the next time zone!! Don't cry.....that'll just need some stitches, and your baby toe is over-rated anyway!!

Mom Who Wears a Bikini No Matter What- This is maybe the person at the pool I could learn the most from. Stretch Marks? Yeah, so what!! Overweight? You got a problem with that? I love how this mom carries herself. She is so confident in her body and skin. She is enjoying her children and her friends and she's gonna wear a bikini no matter what. Good for her.

The Mom Who Brings the Neighborhood- You know her. She has something like 14 kids with her. She stays all day. She brings two 24 packs of soda's and as many canister's of Pringles Foodlion can keep in stock. Are those brownies on her table? I'm gonna go sit by her.

There is so much more about the pool that I love. I love how teen boys remind me of labrador puppies. Fighting and wrestling and trying to be the Alpha Dog. I love (and remember) how the teen age girls 'get ready' to go to the pool. They are so pretty. Their skin is so smooth and tan. They fix their hair and put on make up. They stand at the end of the diving board for at least 5 minutes. Okay. All eyes are on them. Everyone is watching to see what she's gonna do. She gets off the board and goes back to tanning. I love summer.

It goes by all to fast. Enjoy your summer!! Wear lots and lots of sunscreen. We'll be wearing jackets before you know it!!!

O Mother Where Art Thou??????? Seriously.....

I am just wondering why Mother's Day cards don't ever say "Mom, you were a real bitch. Thank you!" They are always pink and flowery. The look like Willow Tree figurines. Everything is always so soft and muted. The edges are always scalloped and even lacy. The poems inside are poems of perfection. They talk about how sweet Mom is. How kind, understanding, yet firm and dear. They are, in a word, lies! They short-change moms. I don't know about anyone else, but I rarely walk around in a large straw hat and pink dress holding the hand's of my daughter's who are looking up at me adoringly. It just doesn't work that way in my world. I am far more likely to be standing, disheveled at my front door begging someone (anyone) to please put on shoes so they will not step in the broken glass that I tried to clean up, but failed miserably! Or I am standing, confused, at the top of the stairs in my pj's telling one of my girl's that she cannot wear that top, or those jeans, or that sweater, dress, coat, etc....to school.

Motherhood is not pretty.

It was, I think, at one time. When my children were babies and I could sit on a quilt in a field nursing them to sleep. But maybe the reality of that scene is that I was sitting in a field nursing with sore nipples, sweat running down my back, hungry and praying that my baby (all of them) would just PLEASE go to sleep. (None of mine were good sleepers!)

When my oldest was small, I hoped upon hope that every accolade I laid upon her was some sort of armor against the hell of adolescence. (*sigh* they weren't...). I hoped against hope that every story read, every song sung was armor against struggles in school. (nope....). Sometimes I feel like my Mommy report card isn't looking to hot. Like maybe I should be sent to Mommy detention or ISS so I can reflect on my shortcomings. But Hell.........I am here. Trying to work through my life and role as a mother the best I know how. Sometimes it just wears me out. Sometimes it buoys me beyond measure. Sometimes I catch just glimpses of things that make it all so worthwhile. There are other times where I am on my knees, sobbing, wondering why I ever thought I should do this in the first place. Motherhood is such a process. I always feel as if I am in unchartered waters, whether others have been there or not.

If I seem ungrateful....maybe I am. To be brutally honest, nothing scares me more than the thought of losing one of my children. But I just can't be all rainbows and ribbons about Motherhood. It is slogging trough the trenches on a daily basis. But then I find myself in the most delightful conversations. I am given insight from my children I never dreamed they were even capable of. Or I simply wake up, as I did this morning, to the sound of one of them singing in the shower. I know then and there it is all worth it. Those tiny pearls that I can hold onto. Those little pieces of conversation that make it so worth the journey. I think sometimes I could be an Atheist if it weren't for my children. They are such gifts. They are the real deal. So maybe now I am getting all pink and prosey. I guess I cannot help myself. They are my blessings. I am going to stop now before I start to get mushy. But to all my Mother (and Step-Mother and Aunt) friends out there.......I know you are far more than a kind smile and a flowy dress. You are out there kicking ass for the children that you love every single day. More power to you! Happy Mother's Day!

Laundry and Babbling

It was while performing the most mundane of tasks that I found myself on my knees, fighting tears and panic. I was simply matching socks. ANd as I matched some of my 5 year old son's socks, the actuality of his fading babyhood nearly took my breath away. He is not a baby anymore. On Friday, I register him for kindergarten. In truth, I am happy about it. He is so ready now. He counts everything, constantly, especially money. Also, he is bored here with me. He was doing well in pre-school. But the job loss took that luxury from him. At any rate he is ready. I am pretty sure I am.

When both my girls started kindergarten, after I left their schools, where they were confidently bouncing around their new classrooms, I went home and sobbed. It was such a rite of passage. In truth, I am not one of those Mom's who feels the need to be involved in every aspect of my childrens lives. But this final stepping stone from babyhood to big kidness really gets me. I will admit I am one of those moms who has a problem identifying what and who I am, and what my next step should be. As I type this, he is sitting on the floor playing with his Lego's. He is still so little. Yet he is not a baby anymore. And as I am reminded every time I look at his almost 13 year old sister, this little kid time is fleeting.

I do rejoice in my children growing up. I delight in seeing them try new things, and in watching them become the wonderful people they are going to be. I feel like I am just starting to stick my very own toes in the water, to see what's out there for me. But I miss their littleness. Sometimes I wonder if I am the only Mama who cries when it is time to pack away one seasons clothing and pull out another. It is always an "in your face" wake-up call to how much they have grown. And I do realize that there are mothers out there who have never had the chance to get this far. That they must hold on to a pair of socks forever because they will not get to match a larger pair. It is a mundane task, sorting socks, and sometimes even raising children. But I am so glad for the mundane. I just have to remind myself just how sublime the mundane can actually be.

The Wido's Mite: Redux

A Nashville man picks his 10 year old daughter up from school on Friday. He is on his way home when a man in a truck behind him begins to honk and make rude gestures. He is screaming and pointing at something. He is pointing at the "Obama/Biden" bumper sticker on the man's car. It has the man in the truck in an outrage. As the man in the car stops at a stop sign in his neighborhood, he realizes that the man in the truck is going to rear-end him. He tries to re-act, but his car is struck by the man in the truck, who continues to curse and make rude gestures. The man in the truck backs up and does it again and again, terrifying the man and his 10 year old daughter who is now hysterical. Finally the truck driver pulls around and goes on. A Good Samaritan neighbor calls the police and follows the man in the truck. He is pulled over and arrested for drunk driving. Here though, is where it actually gets interesting.......as I was reading the story, I was livid. I was absolutely ready to rip someone apart when I read the rest of the article. The father, after comforting his daughter, has called for civility. He doesn't want people to be too hard on the man who hit him. He wants people to be kind instead. To take this small ugly act, and turn it into a good one. The man in the truck has been through a very tough time. He just lost his wife to cancer, and he was quite intoxicated. After I read that, I did calm down a little. But I also wondered, if it were me in that Dad's shoes, could I be so forgiving? Could I be so kind? I have a 10 year old daughter. if someone terrified her like that, I would be extremely upset. But I don't know if I could be as generous in spirit as that dad was.

I have a right to believe whatever I want. So do my children. So do you. But I do not have a right to behave in a way that is threatening to others. This dad is a fantastic example of a follower of Christ. And I am talking about the "Social Justice" Jesus. I have not been such a good follower as of late. I have been very side-tracked. And here it is, Holy Week. And a simple act of forgiveness by someone I don't know, has rocked my world. I am placing that dad in my heart this week. I am putting his reaction to the ugliness of that scene in front of me, as a challenge to do better. To be better. To remember the sacrifices that were made so long ago, when hate was spewed at a man who was trying so hard to just do good. And whether you believe in Christ or not, his example (not the scary old Leviticus Old-Testamenty stuff) is one of caring for our fellow man. Taking care of each other. My God, it can't be that hard can it?

"What if I find myself in another place? Can't look down at the frown on the other guys face. Gotta funny feelin', that I might be seein' the face of Christ........"

Grateful....again......

A friend (I will not call her old, because that would suggest that we are, in fact, old) gave me an amazing gift today, and made me marvel at the sheer wonder of forgiveness. Her capacity for it. I have been carrying around some things in my heart for a long time. A wrong I did against a girl in the 5th grade. A wrong against a girl in the 6th grade. And this terrible wrong I played a part in 24 years ago when I was too weak to really stand up to someone and was talked into something that caused this particular friend a lot of pain. Well.....she sort of absolved me of it. Said to not let it be in my "top 5" list of shameful things anymore. And I have not been able to stop thinking about it all day. If you read my little blog, you know that I have been in the midst of an ugly struggle with my marriage. Things have been untenable at best in my house. BUT....things have slowly.....and ever so gently begun to turn around. A new job, some big bills paid off, and some very definitive plans have helped. But too....I have to think forgiveness has to come into play. I am not saying I am not being very cautious...........but that little "Balm of Gilead" that was given to me, certainly should be extended to my husband. Or to anyone else I may have harbored or held something in my heart against. That (um duh...) includes myself.

I am not sure of the direction my life may take in the near future. Things are still very tough. Still, I am so grateful for this friend. For her sense of humor. For her complete dedication to her children. For her amazing ability to forgive. Thank you for taking me out of myself, and making me think about how good it feels just to be forgiven. I am gonna really try to pay this one forward. At least for today. Thank you La. You are really a very special lady.

Hearts and Cupids and all that Stuff

Because this started as a walking blog, I must write that I have lost 25lbs since I started this. Part of it was by walking, which I am once again at with some regularity. Some has been because of stress, and also an illness.......and I still have a long way to go. But I am happy to see that weight gone. I will not miss it. It is funny to be doing something and find myself hiking up my jeans, instead of dying to get out of them. So, that is a good thing in my otherwise pretty convoluted life. My silly life that just keeps getting more complicated, in no small part because of me. We have, in the past 4 weeks, suffered a job loss that has had a terrible effect on my family. And as I have previously written, my marriage has been possibly irreparably damaged. Or maybe it can be repaired. Maybe we both just don't know how, or even want to repair it right now. And tomorrow is Valentine's Day....which is truly a "Hallmark Holiday" more than anything. I like to get my children a few sweet, kinda precious things for Valentine's Day. But I don't really expect anything. And maybe that's the problem. Maybe I should expect a wonderfully romantic, textbook kinda Jane Austin-ishy, Victoria's Secret, all full blown dinner and chocolate's and jewelry kind of Valentine's Day. And maybe that would help things. And maybe it wouldn't. Freaking apathy. Or maybe not......... I know my husband very well. I know what he is capable of, and what he won't do. And maybe that is the problem too. Not to mention me. I will work all day tomorrow, then be tired and grouchy. (and stinky!!) I have something little planned for my children. But nothing planned for him. I really wasn't in the mood. I went back and read my anniversary post. It was sweet, and really filled with hope. I just don't think I am there anymore. (or at least right now.) Maybe I shouldn't say that, because I truly believe there is always hope. There really is. It is better when it comes with a box of chocolates, or perfume, or jewelry.............But it's (in my case anyway) also lovely when it comes with the prospect of a new job, or stress being lessened because of an ease in financial strain. AT any rate, I hope my friends and family have a good tomorrow. I wish you lots of hearts and candy and romance and Michael Buble tickets. Somebody needs to take advantage of a day dedicated to romance. I wish that for the people I love..................oh, hell, and maybe even for me..........................

Asking for a little guidance........it's time.........

I used to keep a very good journal years ago. I kept them for years. They were at times mundane, and at times terribly upsetting. I guess most people's journals are that way. I remember I used to wonder if I should make up exciting things to write in my journals, because sometimes my life was so boring....or confusing, if only to me. I would wonder about who would read them and what they would think. In fact, one time a boyfriend I had DID read them....to a disastrous end. He took some things I had written about my struggle with depression very literally. Then he decided he knew how my thought processes worked. God it was awful. Anytime I tried to explain my posistion he would screech "I know how you think!! You're lying!!" It sucked for some time. Of all journals for him to find and read, he found the one (or one of the ones) I kept when my mother married George. I was so devastated at that time. ANd I wrote in several different journals about the whol;e experience. The one he found was extremely raw.....and I was so bewildered by him finding that particular one. I burned it. I am not sorry that I did. After that little episode, I was a little more careful about what I wrote down. Until now. And here I kinda publish this one. (sorta...) I just want to be honest about this crap. I swear....writing it all down now just seems overwhelming. But typing stuff in a blog is so much easier. Maybe it seems less personal. I am not sure. The thing is that stuff is SO fucked up in my life now that I barely know what I am doing. And I loathe that!! I hate feeling so cut loose and scattered. I still am not interested in certain medications right now, because of the side effects....and because I really want to be clear on what I feel. I may go back on an ADD medication again....just for clarity....but I am so many damn feelings that I can't place that I don't want to guess. I miss my therapist Gail. I loved her so much. I truly believe she kept me and B together. And now without her, we are so messed up. (well, we were anyway....but she had the uncanny ability to put things in perspective. Guess that's why she did what she did.) ANywya....I am constantly wondering how the hell people keep their lives together. 'Cause I sure can't seem to keep mine together. ANd it seems like everyone in my family wants answers from me......answers that I just don't have. The truth is, I am terrified. I do not know what to do next. I look at my children, and I have total roller-coaster tummy. I feel like we are being dropped down a giant hill. And I....ME....am the one who is responsible for how soft our landing is. So I am just jouraling outloud. I love opinions and suggestions. I am asking for them. I have wonderful friends and family. Some are very, very wise. SO I am asking for guidance....even though I am not being forthcoming with what I need it for...............How do YOU keep your life together. Have You ever been in terrifying circumstances? My little family feels one step away from disaster.....and I am sick of this. Time for a change. But how to begin..........???

2010.....a bang and a whimper...........

I guess I am writing because I don't know what else to do. I don't know where else to put my thoughts. I have no where else to lay my stupid, broken heart. Maybe I knew this was going to happen. Things have drastically gone downhill since the horrible argument we had on my birthday. It was then that I started to really wonder if maybe he wasn't just miserable, but unwilling to do anything about it. Or maybe, like me, he just didn't know what TO do about it. ANyway, December happened, and left me blindsided. Tiny betrayals, set up to look like protections seeped in. Though, maybe they weren't tiny. Look, I know I am depressed. January is alwyas a sucky month for me. And this horrific job has really hit me hard. But I really was missing something. I really have been. And nowm tonight, the words have been spoken aloud. This is no novel. This is no movie. No one reaches out and says "Here, come stay at my beach house for a while while you work out your life." No one runs and holds you and tells you it is going to be okay. This is reality. An aching in the pit of my stomach. My back hurts. my throat hurts. And I am not sick. Just so sad. And 5 people will be left scattered around....all with broken hearts. I really failed at this. 15 years, and tonight s the real live beginning of an end. There is no one I can apologize to. Except for my children.........and I don't know how they will process it. I feel so unsafe right now. Is this how everyone feels who goes through this? Like you could simply fade away and no one would notice? Except that I have 3 little people who would very much notice. I am not allowed to fade away. That is not an option. So what now? Sleep isn't really an option either. So I write and I pray (kinda). This is so not a journey I wanted. I just wanted to walk, and not take anti-depressants, and to go to school. Freaking January................that's where I will lay the blame or now. On January..............

Hope does Float.........

Today I was walking to Gennie's bus stop to pick her up when Sam asked me to hold him. He is 5 and does not do this very much anymore. I picked him up and he wrapped his arms and legs around me and held on for life. I stood there on the side of the road holding my little boy so tight and could not help but think about Haiti. I cannot get it out of my head. The total devastation. The fact that I can hold and snuggle with my darling son. The fact that so many cannot. And their babies are just as important to them as mine are to me. I don't feel hopeless about Haiti, though. I think the response has been overwhelming. It seems to have galvanized people. Reminded us that aside from being Democrats or Republicans, Baptists, Catholics, or Atheists......that we are humans, and we are here to ultimately love, support, and take care of one another. If we don't, then who are we? What good are we? I have heard that the post office is sending boxes 50lbs and under to Haiti for free. I am going to put something together with my children. Tomorrow, we will make a small monetary donation to the Red Cross. And, we will pray. But the business of 2 hands says much more than the prayers of 2000. We should give Haiti both. Prayers are precious, and appreciated, I am sure. But the physical act of doing something helps me. I feel so ready to go! But I am in no posistion with no money and no passport. So, we will send a box of towels and blankets along with a bubble of prayer. And I hope there is a Mama who has her 5 year old child safe in her arms tonight. I hope people are finding their loved ones and holding on for dear life. I hope for Haiti. I hope for us, the human race. I am seeing us come alive. Coming out of our petty ickyness for a huge and overwhelming cause. My very humble prayers are with the Haitians and their loved ones, and with the rescuers. Good Night.........

resolution.......

So it's the New Year and I haven't really come up with any good resolutions. I mean, I can do the "I have to lose weight" or "time to get in shape" ones. But I don't know. They seem do distant to what I really need to change in my life. I mean, no doubt I need to lose some weight and get in shape. Those are hugely admirable goals. But my needs are much, much more basic right now. I haven't walked in over a month....so I haven't had that wonderful time to think creatively. I guess that could be a resolution. But I really have to worry about helping keep a roof over our head and our heat turned on. These things seem so small....like they should just be taken care of. But it's not always that easy. I know others are struggling with it as well. It's just very hard to talk about. No one really likes to say that kind of stuff out loud. I also would like to continue on with my massage program. But it is very hard to think about going to a class when you have to very seriously consider the cost of gas to get you there. So I guess I could say my resolution is to make more money. Very few people get rich by waiting tables. Aww....I don't really want to be rich. Just not constantly stressed about money. I tell God all the time that I would be a great lottery winner!! I would be generous and kind with my haul. But.....I don't really play the lottery......so that pretty much hurts my chances of winning right there. I am searching for a meaningful resolution. Someplace to focus my heart. Not just a list on a post-it note. (though again, I am not saying that doesn't work for people. Just not for me.) I hope 2010 is an easier year for my family. My whole extended family. My Aunt who is dealing with crippling arthritis. My Dad and Grandmother who are or have been dealing with cancer. My mother and sister and their ex-husband issues. My husband...............well, I can't even go there right now. So anyway.....2010.....hmmmmm............time to make a big ole change. Just not sure exactly how to put it into resolution type words. One thing is absolutely for sure....I gotta keep walking. 'Cause that totally set me free. I can't afford Under-Armour....so if you see a lady walking in layers of clothing and coats....just honk and wave. If she waves back....it's probably me. Have a good 2010. No, how about this....have a GENTLE 2010. May peace be so prevalent we start to take it for granted!! Okay....now I'm off to walk in the frosty (arctic) air!