Saturday, January 30, 2010
Asking for a little guidance........it's time.........
I used to keep a very good journal years ago. I kept them for years. They were at times mundane, and at times terribly upsetting. I guess most people's journals are that way. I remember I used to wonder if I should make up exciting things to write in my journals, because sometimes my life was so boring....or confusing, if only to me. I would wonder about who would read them and what they would think. In fact, one time a boyfriend I had DID read them....to a disastrous end. He took some things I had written about my struggle with depression very literally. Then he decided he knew how my thought processes worked. God it was awful. Anytime I tried to explain my posistion he would screech "I know how you think!! You're lying!!" It sucked for some time. Of all journals for him to find and read, he found the one (or one of the ones) I kept when my mother married George. I was so devastated at that time. ANd I wrote in several different journals about the whol;e experience. The one he found was extremely raw.....and I was so bewildered by him finding that particular one. I burned it. I am not sorry that I did. After that little episode, I was a little more careful about what I wrote down. Until now. And here I kinda publish this one. (sorta...) I just want to be honest about this crap. I swear....writing it all down now just seems overwhelming. But typing stuff in a blog is so much easier. Maybe it seems less personal. I am not sure. The thing is that stuff is SO fucked up in my life now that I barely know what I am doing. And I loathe that!! I hate feeling so cut loose and scattered. I still am not interested in certain medications right now, because of the side effects....and because I really want to be clear on what I feel. I may go back on an ADD medication again....just for clarity....but I am so many damn feelings that I can't place that I don't want to guess. I miss my therapist Gail. I loved her so much. I truly believe she kept me and B together. And now without her, we are so messed up. (well, we were anyway....but she had the uncanny ability to put things in perspective. Guess that's why she did what she did.) ANywya....I am constantly wondering how the hell people keep their lives together. 'Cause I sure can't seem to keep mine together. ANd it seems like everyone in my family wants answers from me......answers that I just don't have. The truth is, I am terrified. I do not know what to do next. I look at my children, and I have total roller-coaster tummy. I feel like we are being dropped down a giant hill. And I....ME....am the one who is responsible for how soft our landing is. So I am just jouraling outloud. I love opinions and suggestions. I am asking for them. I have wonderful friends and family. Some are very, very wise. SO I am asking for guidance....even though I am not being forthcoming with what I need it for...............How do YOU keep your life together. Have You ever been in terrifying circumstances? My little family feels one step away from disaster.....and I am sick of this. Time for a change. But how to begin..........???
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Through the years I have experienced a great number of challenges, devastations, disappointments and failures at relationships and life stuff myself. At times looking back, I wonder how I ever made it to today! Here are some of the ways that I recall surviving some of the most horrible times of my life and getting through it all victoriously.
ReplyDeleteI have to say that what gave me the strength through all of it was my faith in God. I sought strength from Him in fasting and prayer. I studied scriptures and filled my life with uplifting and spiritual music. I removed every negative distraction and influence that I possibly could. I cried a lot, I withdrew when I needed time to be alone (so I didn't act or react out of what I felt). I tried to take just one thing at a time (I couldn't even deal with thinking about the whole day or the next thing.) One thing at a time and through the eyes of love as much as possible. You need to make positive affirmations about yourself, your circumstances and about life-in every situation, there could always be something much worse going on. Your self-esteem plays a large role in your outlook. Find all the positives that you can and focus on those. All negative thoughts; turn them around and find the good. There is good in every situation and circumstance, sometimes you just have to dig deep to find it. Speak positively and don't let negative stuff come out of your mouth! When you develop this ability, it will be a great source of strength and success for you.
Never lose hope, always maintain your determination (even if you have to fake it sometimes), set reasonable goals for yourself, take one thing at a time and give it your best, forgive yourself for your short-comings because nobody is perfect~just do your best and keep striving to do better every moment of each day, seek God's help, surround yourself with all the good and positive that you can, try to be rational and logical-don't allow your emotions to dictate your circumstances or your choices, sometimes you have to tell yourself (and force yourself) to feel differently than you do (sounds funny, I know but it works!) consider the big picture and all the pieces to the puzzle, doing acts of service is always a blessing because it takes the focus off yourself and in the end you feel good because you blessed someone else's life.
You are a wonderful person and you need to tell yourself that! Begin to explore all the reasons why this is true (and shut off all the negative stuff-kick it out of your head and don't let it consume you). You have to see and know your self-worth, love and appreciate it, and then be able to be a blessing to others because of who you are and what you are about. Pick your battles carefully because not all of them are worth fighting! In all things try to realize the consequence before you take the action. Our choices are so powerful one way or another. Just try to envision the desired outcomes and let that dictate your words and actions along the way. If you mess up, forgive yourself and keep working toward the goal-YOU CAN DO IT! (Be positive and encourage yourself!)
I forgot one more very important thing...forgiveness; complete forgiveness. Forgiveness to others and for yourself. The final completion step of forgiveness is forgetting and allowing yourself and others to live and grow where you're at now and let the past be the past. Live for today and don't worry about yesterday or tomorrow.
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