2010.....a bang and a whimper...........

I guess I am writing because I don't know what else to do. I don't know where else to put my thoughts. I have no where else to lay my stupid, broken heart. Maybe I knew this was going to happen. Things have drastically gone downhill since the horrible argument we had on my birthday. It was then that I started to really wonder if maybe he wasn't just miserable, but unwilling to do anything about it. Or maybe, like me, he just didn't know what TO do about it. ANyway, December happened, and left me blindsided. Tiny betrayals, set up to look like protections seeped in. Though, maybe they weren't tiny. Look, I know I am depressed. January is alwyas a sucky month for me. And this horrific job has really hit me hard. But I really was missing something. I really have been. And nowm tonight, the words have been spoken aloud. This is no novel. This is no movie. No one reaches out and says "Here, come stay at my beach house for a while while you work out your life." No one runs and holds you and tells you it is going to be okay. This is reality. An aching in the pit of my stomach. My back hurts. my throat hurts. And I am not sick. Just so sad. And 5 people will be left scattered around....all with broken hearts. I really failed at this. 15 years, and tonight s the real live beginning of an end. There is no one I can apologize to. Except for my children.........and I don't know how they will process it. I feel so unsafe right now. Is this how everyone feels who goes through this? Like you could simply fade away and no one would notice? Except that I have 3 little people who would very much notice. I am not allowed to fade away. That is not an option. So what now? Sleep isn't really an option either. So I write and I pray (kinda). This is so not a journey I wanted. I just wanted to walk, and not take anti-depressants, and to go to school. Freaking January................that's where I will lay the blame or now. On January..............