I Know This Much is True

I haven't seen you in a long, long time. You look so good! Your eyes sparkle! You are radiating health. You look loved. You seem so full of purpose. What you did for us all was such a complete gift. There is no way to sincerely thank you. Words are inadequate.

You brought us together. So many of us, scattered about the south, and beyond. But there we were, in a park, at a party, at the Ritz. We were reconnecting. We were hugging. We were crying, and laughing, and singing, and dancing. It's all because of you. You took an idea. You charged full steam ahead and developed this seed into the most lush, amazing garden of people. You introduced us to some pure, amazing talent. Some we were aware of. Some may have been a bit before our time. But you brought it to us. ANd now we know. And for years we are going to talk about this weekend. You gave us such a gift. You gave us each other.

We were able to thank and praise special teachers. We were able to remember those who have gone. We were able to eat some of the best Boston Butt known to man. We were able to huddle around a bon fire laughing and drinking and playing. Things maybe we don't get to do much. We saw each others sweet faces. Faces that have changed, yet still hold the innocence of our sweet southern youth. You gave us this gift. You brought us together. You are just simply an amazing soul.

So....from the bottom of my heart Audrey, I thank you. We are all so much better because of you. You worked so hard on this. Thank you. It was, in a word, glorious.

You Shine!

Lonely Planet Indeed

I know I am my own worst enemy. I know I am responsible for my success or lack there of. It's tough admitting these things. It sucks realizing that the best skill I took from college was waiting tables. And I don't blame anyone else. I have always talked myself out of things that could help me. Now I have woven a very twisty, tangled web around myself and I am not sure how to get out of it. I am one of those people who can truly have a conversation with anyone. You would think that would have helped me out in life. Instead, I think it has held me back. I mean, I don't know who or how to identify myself. Am I religious Amy who came from a strong, but very mixed up background of religions? Am I Poor Amy who has struggled so hard the last several years to make ends meet? What about my dirty mind? What about my compassion? What about my age? Where do I belong? I hate being lonely, and I look around constantly trying to figure out if other people are lonely, or sad, or struggling, or hiding something.....anything that could make them approachable. I am totally non-threatening. I am missing my friends! it is frustrating to move to a new place, and feel so isolated. I miss the warmth and security of m dear friends. I miss the openess and the ridiculous laughter. I miss the confessions and intimacy of really close friendships. I am so frustrated with myself. This is more of a rant, I know. I can and will again be thankful for all the blessings I have. Tonight, I am just really angry at me. It's not that I don't know how lucky I am. I have been blessed with some amazing friendships. I just miss them. Damn the military and all it's moving. It brought me the very best, then took it away. Damn college with everyone going 1000 different ways. I was too young to realize how long it might take to see the people I loved again. Damn High School....and the total ridiculousness of that time. I thought I'd stay in Alabama forever and never again have to fall in love with another place and different people. Again.....I am so thankful I got to travel and meet people. I am thankful that I found a church with some of the warmest most giving souls I have ever met. I just miss them. I just do. That's my heart tonight. Lonely. Now I have to go out and work. I AM grateful for a job. it's not what I want to be doing, and it's hard not to be defined by it..........but tonight, my heart is on other things. And they are all over the world. I miss you my dear, sweet, hilarious, compassionate, smart, witty, giving, far-flung friends. Now I gotta go..........

"If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad.............."

I am going to try something here. It's no secret that I have been dealing with some heavy handed feelings lately. Unhappiness seems to permeate from my every pore. Things in my house have unfortunately become untenable lately. Okay....so that's the way it is. I am tired of listening to myself whine. And while turning this thing around, or just getting through it may not happen today (though I am trying!) there is something I can do. I am gonna focus on what makes me happy. And what makes the people I love happy. What makes YOU happy!!

If you are a parent, it is a bit of a cop-out to say our "children" make us happy. Though their general presence may indeed make us happy, I think on a deeper level, it's the more distinctive traits they display that make us (me) happy. When my children were babies, I used to relish that point while nursing when they would look me in the eyes. They all 3 did it and it was so freaking sweet. Genny did it while kicking me in my chest. She was undoubtedly a most flexible baby. Her little foot was constantly thumping me in my chest. Samuel was rough as hell, but he would look at me in the eyes, and I would simply want him to stay in that moment forever. Livvy would hum while she nursed, looking up at me with enormous green eyes. When they started to get a little older and their personalities started to emerge.....well that made me happy. It still does. I remember being at the playground with Livvy when she was just about 3. Genny was an infant. Liv was running and singing and playing when she stopped and looked at me and said "Mommy, I just love spending time with me!" ANd Genevieve.....thank goodness she was adorable, because she drove me nuts. She did not like to be away from me, and I would drag her wrapped around my ankle while I did laundry. When we were stationed in Germany her favorite song was "All-Star." Her favorite place to sing it at the tops of her lungs was in German department stores or restaurants. The only 2 words I could usually make out from the German's were "Shrek" and "Americans." They were not smiling when they said it. Then there is my little guy, who is about to turn 5. His personality comes out in jumps and starts. He was late to talk, and now never hushes. He has a lisp or a bit of a speech issue (as does Genny) but nothing I am in any hurry for him to change. He loves "army guys" (his term) and tractors and trains. He does not like dogs very much. He does an excellent robot dance for a white guy. Yeah, he makes me pretty happy. They all do.

Make-up makes my mom happy. Sexy shoes make my sister happy. The Andy Griffith Show makes my dad happy. Her chocolate lab makes my step-mother happy. I like clean underwear, clean sheets, and folding laundry. (I will fold it at your house if you have it. My friend Stacy says I have a laundry Zen thing.) I like to bake. I like a good comedian. John Stewart makes me happy. Margret Cho makes me happy.

If you are an actor, does opening night make you happy? Or is it the rehearsal process that makes you happy? When I was doing theater, it was alwyas the first dress rehearsal that made me happy. All that work, then you watch everyone transform as they put on costumes. The witnessing of characters coming to life. That made me happy! The thought still does.

If you are an artist or designer is it the process or the product that makes you happy? Maybe it is both. Maybe it is the idea of a new project that makes you happy. I like to think of it. It makes me happy.

What movies make you happy? I can't watch Napolean Dynamite without starting to smile when Pedro realises he's won the election. The ending of that movie truly makes me happy.

They Might Be Giants makes me happy. Sonic makes me happy. Climbing in bed with a brand new novel that smells soooo good, makes me happy.

Hearing my children laugh makes me happy.

Seeing Kelly makes me happy. Thai food with Becky makes me happy. Going on ridiculously long drives with Stacy makes me happy. Watching "Fin and Euba" makes me happy. Singing "I was there to Hear Your Borning cry" makes me happy. Spending time with my sister, any kind of time, makes me happy. Hearing my Grandparents talk about their 63 years together makes me happy. Being with my extended family makes me very happy. Reconnecting with people who meant so much to me at different times of my life, well, that makes me happy.

I know I am skipping over people and things. This is just a start for me. I am not sure what this week is going to hold. Things are bad. But I am going to try and carry these mustard seeds of happiness with me. My guess is they will come to me tenfold. Now I am gonna go hang with my little guy. And that makes me happy.

Warning: Scorpio Ramblings

Well, wow. November is here. My sister and I spent an entire day yesterday devoted to our children. I adore my kids. I loved doing disgusting halloween things for them. Helping them come up with costumes. Of course, by today, I've already been accused of hating them and I bear the distinct honor of being "The Worst Mother Ever (rrrrrrrrrrr)" I will be signing autographs soon.

I used to love November. Even 5 years ago I did. My birthday is in November. I have so many dear friends who have birthdays right around mine. And man, I love a birthday! Whether it is mine, or someone else's, I love to celebrate the fact that we are born!! At least I did til I turned 40. I never wanted to make a big dramatic deal over the fact that I was 40. I mean, it's better than the alternative, right? But the past 2 years have been really rough ones for me and my family. And it all seems to get worse right around my birthday. I am not sure if it's the fact that Christmas is looming around the corner, or that another year is coming to a close, but whatever it has been, or is....it has really been bad. Soooo....Thursday is my birthday....and already I can feel the anxiety starting to build. I am trying to take those deep cleansing breaths and approach it positively. But I am freaking out about it. Of course I am not merely 40 now. I am actually officially "in my 40's." But again, it's better than the alternative. I guess. Maybe it's because my marriage has become so heavy and hard to bear. Maybe the terrible toll of our financial situation is just wearing me out. Whatever it is, I just want it off my back. I want to celebrate my birthday like a 5 year old would. With perfect wonder and complete abandonment. To be so excited that there is a day just for me. All about me. Of course, no one is more ego-centric than a 5 year old (except for maybe Rush Limbaugh, but that's an insult to 5 year old's!), and I certainly know it is not just a day about me. (Roy Rogers was born on November 5th too!!) Anyway, I am self-centered enough as it is!

So I am not sure how to approach this year. As with every on-coming winter before, I worry about depression settling in on me. I have to be real careful about that. I want to see a change in me this year. I am desperately trying to stay in Massage Therapy School. But money is short, and I am not sure what may happen. But I want to challenge myself to look outside me. To really get involved in something important. (volunteer, job, not sure) I want to be the change I wish to see in the world. I want my children to see me do something. Oh god. I just don't know. But I gotta do something now. Or I fear I will sink. And I just don't want that to be an option. Soooo......hmmmmm......I have to do something other than just be "The Worst Mother in the World!" I am very open to suggestions. I am also open to prayers. Or chants. I'll be back on Thursday..........and I'll be 42. I'll go from there.......