Warning: Scorpio Ramblings

Well, wow. November is here. My sister and I spent an entire day yesterday devoted to our children. I adore my kids. I loved doing disgusting halloween things for them. Helping them come up with costumes. Of course, by today, I've already been accused of hating them and I bear the distinct honor of being "The Worst Mother Ever (rrrrrrrrrrr)" I will be signing autographs soon.

I used to love November. Even 5 years ago I did. My birthday is in November. I have so many dear friends who have birthdays right around mine. And man, I love a birthday! Whether it is mine, or someone else's, I love to celebrate the fact that we are born!! At least I did til I turned 40. I never wanted to make a big dramatic deal over the fact that I was 40. I mean, it's better than the alternative, right? But the past 2 years have been really rough ones for me and my family. And it all seems to get worse right around my birthday. I am not sure if it's the fact that Christmas is looming around the corner, or that another year is coming to a close, but whatever it has been, or is....it has really been bad. Soooo....Thursday is my birthday....and already I can feel the anxiety starting to build. I am trying to take those deep cleansing breaths and approach it positively. But I am freaking out about it. Of course I am not merely 40 now. I am actually officially "in my 40's." But again, it's better than the alternative. I guess. Maybe it's because my marriage has become so heavy and hard to bear. Maybe the terrible toll of our financial situation is just wearing me out. Whatever it is, I just want it off my back. I want to celebrate my birthday like a 5 year old would. With perfect wonder and complete abandonment. To be so excited that there is a day just for me. All about me. Of course, no one is more ego-centric than a 5 year old (except for maybe Rush Limbaugh, but that's an insult to 5 year old's!), and I certainly know it is not just a day about me. (Roy Rogers was born on November 5th too!!) Anyway, I am self-centered enough as it is!

So I am not sure how to approach this year. As with every on-coming winter before, I worry about depression settling in on me. I have to be real careful about that. I want to see a change in me this year. I am desperately trying to stay in Massage Therapy School. But money is short, and I am not sure what may happen. But I want to challenge myself to look outside me. To really get involved in something important. (volunteer, job, not sure) I want to be the change I wish to see in the world. I want my children to see me do something. Oh god. I just don't know. But I gotta do something now. Or I fear I will sink. And I just don't want that to be an option. Soooo......hmmmmm......I have to do something other than just be "The Worst Mother in the World!" I am very open to suggestions. I am also open to prayers. Or chants. I'll be back on Thursday..........and I'll be 42. I'll go from there.......