Asking for a little guidance........it's time.........

I used to keep a very good journal years ago. I kept them for years. They were at times mundane, and at times terribly upsetting. I guess most people's journals are that way. I remember I used to wonder if I should make up exciting things to write in my journals, because sometimes my life was so boring....or confusing, if only to me. I would wonder about who would read them and what they would think. In fact, one time a boyfriend I had DID read them....to a disastrous end. He took some things I had written about my struggle with depression very literally. Then he decided he knew how my thought processes worked. God it was awful. Anytime I tried to explain my posistion he would screech "I know how you think!! You're lying!!" It sucked for some time. Of all journals for him to find and read, he found the one (or one of the ones) I kept when my mother married George. I was so devastated at that time. ANd I wrote in several different journals about the whol;e experience. The one he found was extremely raw.....and I was so bewildered by him finding that particular one. I burned it. I am not sorry that I did. After that little episode, I was a little more careful about what I wrote down. Until now. And here I kinda publish this one. (sorta...) I just want to be honest about this crap. I swear....writing it all down now just seems overwhelming. But typing stuff in a blog is so much easier. Maybe it seems less personal. I am not sure. The thing is that stuff is SO fucked up in my life now that I barely know what I am doing. And I loathe that!! I hate feeling so cut loose and scattered. I still am not interested in certain medications right now, because of the side effects....and because I really want to be clear on what I feel. I may go back on an ADD medication again....just for clarity....but I am so many damn feelings that I can't place that I don't want to guess. I miss my therapist Gail. I loved her so much. I truly believe she kept me and B together. And now without her, we are so messed up. (well, we were anyway....but she had the uncanny ability to put things in perspective. Guess that's why she did what she did.) ANywya....I am constantly wondering how the hell people keep their lives together. 'Cause I sure can't seem to keep mine together. ANd it seems like everyone in my family wants answers from me......answers that I just don't have. The truth is, I am terrified. I do not know what to do next. I look at my children, and I have total roller-coaster tummy. I feel like we are being dropped down a giant hill. And I....ME....am the one who is responsible for how soft our landing is. So I am just jouraling outloud. I love opinions and suggestions. I am asking for them. I have wonderful friends and family. Some are very, very wise. SO I am asking for guidance....even though I am not being forthcoming with what I need it for...............How do YOU keep your life together. Have You ever been in terrifying circumstances? My little family feels one step away from disaster.....and I am sick of this. Time for a change. But how to begin..........???

2010.....a bang and a whimper...........

I guess I am writing because I don't know what else to do. I don't know where else to put my thoughts. I have no where else to lay my stupid, broken heart. Maybe I knew this was going to happen. Things have drastically gone downhill since the horrible argument we had on my birthday. It was then that I started to really wonder if maybe he wasn't just miserable, but unwilling to do anything about it. Or maybe, like me, he just didn't know what TO do about it. ANyway, December happened, and left me blindsided. Tiny betrayals, set up to look like protections seeped in. Though, maybe they weren't tiny. Look, I know I am depressed. January is alwyas a sucky month for me. And this horrific job has really hit me hard. But I really was missing something. I really have been. And nowm tonight, the words have been spoken aloud. This is no novel. This is no movie. No one reaches out and says "Here, come stay at my beach house for a while while you work out your life." No one runs and holds you and tells you it is going to be okay. This is reality. An aching in the pit of my stomach. My back hurts. my throat hurts. And I am not sick. Just so sad. And 5 people will be left scattered around....all with broken hearts. I really failed at this. 15 years, and tonight s the real live beginning of an end. There is no one I can apologize to. Except for my children.........and I don't know how they will process it. I feel so unsafe right now. Is this how everyone feels who goes through this? Like you could simply fade away and no one would notice? Except that I have 3 little people who would very much notice. I am not allowed to fade away. That is not an option. So what now? Sleep isn't really an option either. So I write and I pray (kinda). This is so not a journey I wanted. I just wanted to walk, and not take anti-depressants, and to go to school. Freaking January................that's where I will lay the blame or now. On January..............

Hope does Float.........

Today I was walking to Gennie's bus stop to pick her up when Sam asked me to hold him. He is 5 and does not do this very much anymore. I picked him up and he wrapped his arms and legs around me and held on for life. I stood there on the side of the road holding my little boy so tight and could not help but think about Haiti. I cannot get it out of my head. The total devastation. The fact that I can hold and snuggle with my darling son. The fact that so many cannot. And their babies are just as important to them as mine are to me. I don't feel hopeless about Haiti, though. I think the response has been overwhelming. It seems to have galvanized people. Reminded us that aside from being Democrats or Republicans, Baptists, Catholics, or Atheists......that we are humans, and we are here to ultimately love, support, and take care of one another. If we don't, then who are we? What good are we? I have heard that the post office is sending boxes 50lbs and under to Haiti for free. I am going to put something together with my children. Tomorrow, we will make a small monetary donation to the Red Cross. And, we will pray. But the business of 2 hands says much more than the prayers of 2000. We should give Haiti both. Prayers are precious, and appreciated, I am sure. But the physical act of doing something helps me. I feel so ready to go! But I am in no posistion with no money and no passport. So, we will send a box of towels and blankets along with a bubble of prayer. And I hope there is a Mama who has her 5 year old child safe in her arms tonight. I hope people are finding their loved ones and holding on for dear life. I hope for Haiti. I hope for us, the human race. I am seeing us come alive. Coming out of our petty ickyness for a huge and overwhelming cause. My very humble prayers are with the Haitians and their loved ones, and with the rescuers. Good Night.........

resolution.......

So it's the New Year and I haven't really come up with any good resolutions. I mean, I can do the "I have to lose weight" or "time to get in shape" ones. But I don't know. They seem do distant to what I really need to change in my life. I mean, no doubt I need to lose some weight and get in shape. Those are hugely admirable goals. But my needs are much, much more basic right now. I haven't walked in over a month....so I haven't had that wonderful time to think creatively. I guess that could be a resolution. But I really have to worry about helping keep a roof over our head and our heat turned on. These things seem so small....like they should just be taken care of. But it's not always that easy. I know others are struggling with it as well. It's just very hard to talk about. No one really likes to say that kind of stuff out loud. I also would like to continue on with my massage program. But it is very hard to think about going to a class when you have to very seriously consider the cost of gas to get you there. So I guess I could say my resolution is to make more money. Very few people get rich by waiting tables. Aww....I don't really want to be rich. Just not constantly stressed about money. I tell God all the time that I would be a great lottery winner!! I would be generous and kind with my haul. But.....I don't really play the lottery......so that pretty much hurts my chances of winning right there. I am searching for a meaningful resolution. Someplace to focus my heart. Not just a list on a post-it note. (though again, I am not saying that doesn't work for people. Just not for me.) I hope 2010 is an easier year for my family. My whole extended family. My Aunt who is dealing with crippling arthritis. My Dad and Grandmother who are or have been dealing with cancer. My mother and sister and their ex-husband issues. My husband...............well, I can't even go there right now. So anyway.....2010.....hmmmmm............time to make a big ole change. Just not sure exactly how to put it into resolution type words. One thing is absolutely for sure....I gotta keep walking. 'Cause that totally set me free. I can't afford Under-Armour....so if you see a lady walking in layers of clothing and coats....just honk and wave. If she waves back....it's probably me. Have a good 2010. No, how about this....have a GENTLE 2010. May peace be so prevalent we start to take it for granted!! Okay....now I'm off to walk in the frosty (arctic) air!