Lonely Planet Indeed

I know I am my own worst enemy. I know I am responsible for my success or lack there of. It's tough admitting these things. It sucks realizing that the best skill I took from college was waiting tables. And I don't blame anyone else. I have always talked myself out of things that could help me. Now I have woven a very twisty, tangled web around myself and I am not sure how to get out of it. I am one of those people who can truly have a conversation with anyone. You would think that would have helped me out in life. Instead, I think it has held me back. I mean, I don't know who or how to identify myself. Am I religious Amy who came from a strong, but very mixed up background of religions? Am I Poor Amy who has struggled so hard the last several years to make ends meet? What about my dirty mind? What about my compassion? What about my age? Where do I belong? I hate being lonely, and I look around constantly trying to figure out if other people are lonely, or sad, or struggling, or hiding something.....anything that could make them approachable. I am totally non-threatening. I am missing my friends! it is frustrating to move to a new place, and feel so isolated. I miss the warmth and security of m dear friends. I miss the openess and the ridiculous laughter. I miss the confessions and intimacy of really close friendships. I am so frustrated with myself. This is more of a rant, I know. I can and will again be thankful for all the blessings I have. Tonight, I am just really angry at me. It's not that I don't know how lucky I am. I have been blessed with some amazing friendships. I just miss them. Damn the military and all it's moving. It brought me the very best, then took it away. Damn college with everyone going 1000 different ways. I was too young to realize how long it might take to see the people I loved again. Damn High School....and the total ridiculousness of that time. I thought I'd stay in Alabama forever and never again have to fall in love with another place and different people. Again.....I am so thankful I got to travel and meet people. I am thankful that I found a church with some of the warmest most giving souls I have ever met. I just miss them. I just do. That's my heart tonight. Lonely. Now I have to go out and work. I AM grateful for a job. it's not what I want to be doing, and it's hard not to be defined by it..........but tonight, my heart is on other things. And they are all over the world. I miss you my dear, sweet, hilarious, compassionate, smart, witty, giving, far-flung friends. Now I gotta go..........