Demi-tasse

So....I come to the keyboard humbled, and a bit embarrassed. But I did post this blog on FB. I opened myself up. And all in all....I am really glad I did.

A few things about me:

Though I am chronically depressed, it does not always pin me to my bed (thank god!)
I stopped taking cymbalta beacause it was too expensive, it made me apathetic, and well....it was killing my sex drive. (cringe, I said "sex") I will probably battle this forever, but I am not interested in it taking me over. I may suffer from depression, but I do not want it to define me. I am so much more than that one word. And I do not, at this point, intend to give my life over to it. So I am lonely and jobless? So are a lot of other people. I am just grateful, actually so very grateful I had a place to put it. And my friends, my wonderful, far-flung community of friends, I am so, so very grateful to you. You all came to my rescue. And God, it has been sweet. My cup runneth over.

My favorite author (Anne Lamott) says to "Breathe, pray, and walk." That's what I am doing. And the Divine, sneaky as he or she may be, is answering my prayers. Maybe (and here I shall channel Garth Brooks) the Divine is "unanswering" my prayers. But whatever it is, I know it is right and it is good. And again, my cup runneth over.

So here I am. All middle-agey and full of kinks. But I feel beloved. I have children that are amazing, ridiculous, beautiful, and totally luscious. My husband is trying. I am not easy. But at the end of the day, for some reason, he loves me. My family is near. I have a home. I am dog-sitting two adorable little bichons. And so....you got it. My cup runneth over.

I just want to add that I remember so clearly 8 years ago today, as a young mother living on Fort Meade Maryland, how real everything that happened that day was to us. Some of my neighbors did not see their spouses for months, as they were immediately deployed to NSA, Pentagon, or Afghanistan. I remember how the post was put on lockdown. How my friend and neighbor Lisa and I watched as humvees with armed patrols rolled by us on our daily walk. How we literally clutched each other when a surveillance plane flew very low over us one morning. How I went upstairs the night of Sept. 11th, and wrote everything that had happened down in both of my girls babybooks. As horrible and scary as the attacks were, I knew then, and still believe it now, how lucky I was to be raising my family in a country that was so safe. Some people have to go through every day what we went through that horrible Tuesday. So many people showed such unbridled heroics that day. We all have such vivid memories of where we were at what we were doing and that beautiful, fall-like day. I am so thankful for all those who kept us safe.

So, I guess thankfulness and gratitude are going to be my MO this weekend. I am going to tie something around my wrist so I don't forget it. Thankfulness and gratitude. Yep....my cup definitely runneth over.