Chapters

I don't know who reads blogs, if anyone, other than me. And I don't know who reads mine, other than a few dear friends and some of my family. I struggle with how personal to let these things get. Does it really matter anyway? Do I really want to share very, very personal details with everyone? Should I? But then, when I read other blogs, I really want honesty. ANd believe me, I can tell when people are bullshitting me. I want to feel touched, appalled, sickened, devastated, overjoyed, blown away when I read what people have to say. And I guess....I really want to give those feelings as well. The thing is....I am in a million pieces right now. And I don't know how to put myself together. I wish I were a character in an Anne Lamott or Rita Mae Brown book. Then when I went through these times, I would be shored up by quirky, totally forgiving friends who just adore me. And it's not that I don't have wonderful friends. I do! But no one close by. I mean, my precious sister is close by. But she is distracted with her own massive tasks of raising three boys, and tending to a new and growing relationship. As she should be. Plus, she is not responsible for my well being just because I moved close to her. I can tell that this is taking on a whiney tone. I don't mean to do that. But I am lonely. So, so utterly lonely. It completely sucks. Being a former military spouse, I know how to move around and make new friends. That's why I don't understand why it's so hard here. This time. We did the right thing by moving here. We were falling apart. My marriage was unraveling. My children were really suffering. I could see the toll of all of our day to day problems, on their sweet faces. Things were (and are) going to be better in Tennessee. Family is close by! Cost of living is much lower! B's job much more exciting! I got to stay home with the kids over the summer! (Loved that, btw).

Now.....school is back in session, Little Man is in pre-school 3 times a week, and I start Massage Therapy school a week from Thursday (1 day a week to start, more classes to follow). But I desperately need to find a job. And although I wasn't thrilled to go back to waiting tables, the more I thought about it, the better it seemed. I simply love being around people. Love the pace. Love the crazy people you get to work with, and I 'm good at it! But I have heard nothing from anyone!! I hate this feeling of being frightened. I don't want to scare the children. But we have a whole week until payday. And nothing left after bills and groceries. (and school fees. DAng, they love the school fees around here!) I feel like I am fighting to keep myself from falling down one of my black holes. And if this were one of the novels I love, I would meet with my friends over a good red wine and we would laugh and find a way out of this. But, I am not in a novel. This is real life, with very real people. The most precious people I know. I will not lie about this sitiuation. Please (umm...God I guess)....show me a way out of this.

So....a whole blog of whining. Hopefully things will look better in the morning (said Scarlett). I do not want to be trite. I just want Anne Lamott to write me a better chapter. This one sucks. I want to edit, and rewrite. Anyone gotta red pen I can borrow?