I am feeling unsettled. I am feeling confused. I am thinking of a conversation I had with someone at Christmas 7 years ago. Yep, that's right...7 years ago! This conversation floats through my brain periodically, because I have never, NEVER been able to make heads or tails out of the meaning....yet I don't think the attitude is that unusual. Anyway, as best as I can recall it...here goes:
I had, at the time. a 5 week old baby who was terribly colicky. He was fussy and irritable, therefore I was fussy and irritable. My husband had just found out that the job he had through a government contracting agency had basically totally fallen through. Rent, bills, groceries, 3 children were consuming my every thought. And it was Christmas. Oh.......and I had a raging stomach virus. Oh....and I was having trouble nursing fussy boy because he latched like a vortex. I literally almost fainted every time I nursed him. Oh....and one other detail.......a massive tsunami had just decimated parts of South Asia. The images were completely heartbreaking. The death and destruction were so random.
So.....I will make this little disclaimer....My husband and I were responsible for the situation that our family was in. It was not luck or anything like that....just very poor planning. But colic and stomach viruses happen....and I was sleep deprived and miserable. Then a former family member starts talking about Christmas shopping. He is going on and on about how he hates being at the mall and but that somehow he found himself there and was knocking stuff off his Christmas list like crazy. Then he says this "I was looking for this crazy, funky pair of tights for my niece. I knew they had them at this store, but couldn't find her color or size. There was all this rushing around in the store to find these perfect tights, but I wasn't having any luck. SO I stopped in the middle of the store, lifted my problem up to the Lord, and prayed. And when I opened my eyes after the prayer, there on a table close by, were the exact tights I was searching for. God is good! The Lord answers prayers." He......was.....serious.
As I type this, I realize it was much less of a conversation than a sermon (maybe?). I remember feeling literally sick. Punched in the gut. Yet I could not figure out exactly why I felt that way. I think my mind was full of images of children being swept out of their Mama's arms, loved ones being pulled away by a natural force far stronger than love and desperation.
God is good. The Lord answers prayers. Prayers about tights.
I have NEVER been able to reconcile this "conversation." Never been able to get a good sense of it. But for 7 years it has haunted my heart. Now I have it out of my heart, and on a computer. Ready for anyone to help me make sense of it.
I know there is so much suffering in the world. But I also know there is SO MUCH GOOD. So why does this odd episode from late 2004 refuse to leave my memory? Why am I bringing it up now? Maybe because there IS so much suffering in the world. Maybe I am just wondering where prayers land. Maybe I just do not know the answer. Maybe I never will. I have certainly been the recipient of answered prayers. This just confuses me even more. Trying to make sense out of a 7 year old conversation that just happened to take place after the tsunami. Prayers about tights...............huh............still confusing me all these years later.
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I had the same thing happen after Ella was born! The earth quake in Haiti happened and everytime I watched the coverage I had letdown! I wanted so bad to fly there, sit in the rubble and nurse all the babies! It was such a helpless feeling compounded by the fact that those babies were the helpless ones! I felt helpless but they actually were helpless! And then the guilt of feeling helpless while I sat in my cushy apartment and watched babies die on TV! Ugh... Three days later a relative called and says "what the hecks with Haiti? When the hell are we gonna stop sending them money?!? Damn Obama! " I think about that convo regularly-too regularly...
ReplyDeleteDanielle...I think you totally hit on something. When you have a new baby, there is so much feeling helpless. Maybe because the tsunami happened and I was so full of hormones and craziness AND that conversation happened right then....that is why it has stayed with me. Also, maybe people really, REALLY do not think about what they are saying. I read recently a blog about a mom who lost her 4 year old daughter to cancer. Right before her daughter passed away she was at a rally for childhood cancer awareness. Another mother whose child was (Thank God) in remission, spoke about when her child was diagnosed, she swore she would not let cancer take her daughter. The blogging mother wrote that she felt guilty. Like she WAS letting cancer take her daughter. After I read that, it really made me think about how we say things. Neither mom was wrong....but careless words can have such an impact. Anyway....enough outta me. Just some thoughts on something that has stayed with me a long time.
ReplyDeleteAmy, I don't want to bring wrath to you for writing this on your blog, but backlash is a bitch, so here's the disclaimer: This comment is not Amy's, it's mine. If whoever is reading it doesn't like it, bring it to me, not her. It's not Amy's fault that an atheist loves her, and that she loves an atheist. I hope I'm underestimating your readers/commenters. Forward.
ReplyDeleteDo me a favor, sweet child. Take off your God goggles for just a sec. Lay them down and look around. See if your world is not a lot more reasonable, a lot more sensible. See what a tsunami or earthquake or cancer looks like without them. See what human kindness looks like. See what morality looks like. See what compassion looks like. See what finding tights in the right size and color looks like.
I know it feels big and dark and scary; that's just because those goggles have been affecting your vision for 40-something years. Your eyes will adjust. To freedom and light and reason. To intellectual integrity. To the real beauty of the natural world. To the wonder of science.
I know you have had those mommy moments looking into the eyes of your child that transcend words and emotions. When you have that moment grasping the reality that it was NOT directed by an entity, that you are having this particular moment in space and time that was NOT ordained or determined...that, my precious cousin, is the profoundly spiritual. Life changes. Moments take on absolute value.
I know you're crazy busy, but can we "meet in the middle" for lunch or coffee?? I won't go all AtheistRant on you, I just want to see your smile and hear your voice.
I'm more proud of you than I can express. Not just over making yourself think about uncomfortable things, but for the beautiful family you're managing, the sense of humor you're sharing, and the relentless questioning you're nurturing.
xo