Dumbo

Been thinking about this a lot. And Audrey said to keep writing. I love Audrey.

20 years ago I was diagnosed with chronic depression and panic. Over these 20 (22 years actually) some odd years....I have watched myself literally come and go. The first panic attack I had was at Auburn. This is the first on e I ever paid attention too. There were probably others...I just remember this one so clearly. My boyfriend did not like me. That is a big old problem. And I could tell he didn't. He despised my major (theater), hated my friends, was scared of my mother and all her wrath and power, and I think, in his very small mind, he was scared of me. I was very sad. I had no...I mean ZERO self confidence. I loved being at Auburn, and I adored my major. it felt right. I had made some marvelous, caring, and precious friends. But I never totally felt like I belonged there. I was always waiting for someone to come tap me on my shoulder and tell me that Auburn had made a mistake, and that I would have to pack my bags and leave. So....my boyfriend. He was from a town even smaller than mine. He was my dear friend's cousin. He was good and sweet and everything I thought I should marry. He was also a bigot, a racist, and his family's adorable 'golden boy.' He was also, I should mention, very
Southern Baptist. After a difficult previous relationship with a Mormon, I really thought I was doing what my family wanted me too! In fact, they had told me to find myself a "good Baptist boy." So I dressed up every Sunday in heels and beautiful boutique dresses his mama bought me and stood up next to him in church. Even though I didn't agree or sometimes even believe in what all was being taught. But I really wanted to make everyone happy, and proud of me. So I stuck with it. Trying so hard to make him like me. And he just did not...... Now, I am not certain why he even stayed with me. I was begining to show signs of severe depression. I was crying a lot. Uncontrollably. I was not eating. I had no energy, was having terrible nightmares, and sometimes found myself gasping for breath even when I was resting. Then one afternoon he let me borrow his car to go to rehearsal. I needed to put gas in it. After I got out and put gas in the tank and paid, I got back in and headed toward the theater. Then I noticed people were honking at me. I looked around, but did not spot anything wrong. Someone else honked at me and pulled around me. They pointed at something. I could not tell what. Suddenly, I started to get really scared. I didn't know what I had done wrong, but it must've been something. A few more people honked and pointed, but by that time I was just crying. Then the next person yelled something out of their window at me. I completely fell apart. I was crying so hard, and couldn't catch my breath. My heart was banging, and I was about to throw up. Somehow I pulled over to the side of the road. I curled up in a ball and just sobbed. I begged God to just let me die because obvioulsy something was really wrong with me. I am not sure how long I stayed on the side of the road, but it took me a while to calm down. When I finally was calm enough to get out of the car and see what the problem was....well, it was simply that I had taken the gas cap off and placed it on the roof of the car. It was still there! I could still see the gas station from where I pulled over! I dont think had even gone 100 yards! I was so overcome with shame. Now I was late for rehearsal ( I had one line as a maid in The Philadelphia Story!) and I would get in trouble for that. And I still did not understand what had happened.

Later, when I tried to explain to the boyfriend what had happened, I was stopped cold by his complete lack of concern or sympathy. He said something to the effect that I was getting as crazy as my mother and then told me I needed to pray. I told him I had prayed. It didn't seem to make a difference to him. Evidentally, my prayer wasn't of the right mind. It makes me sad, now when I think of it. I was trying so hard. I was trying to not turn into my mother (who was well, um, batshit crazy at that time), and trying so hard to be the right girl for my family. I was starving myself because I thought that would help me get cast more, and because my mother was constantly reminding me how much losing 5 pounds would make me feel so much better! Wah wah...i know.....But what gets me now, is just how clueless I really was. It is so easy to look back on all of this and say wow, I really needed some help! I did go to a doctor, eventually, who diagnosed me with panic disorder. For years I took Paxil, (a whole other story!!) I got to thinking about this stuff, because today I felt panic surging up inside me. I used some yogic breathing and a little bit of prayer to center myself. It may require more than that....i am not sure. Still trying so hard not to use medication. I am going to go for a walk in a little bit. I will walk, breathe, and pray. ANd I will think about that boyfriend. Eventually, he did break up with me. My heart was very broken for a while. Until I realised it was the best thing that could have happened to me. You know, it's funny. I can look back on all of my relationships with fondness, or laughter, or even irony. All but this one. I still think about how sad I was and how hard I tried and how I always came up short. This relationship never has made me smile nostalgically. Maybe because it came at the time I mark as the beginning of my battle with depression. But I don't think that's it. I think it may have more to do with my lack of judgment when it came to my boyfriend. There is so much more to the story of him. But I started this blog for the purpose of tracking my health and walking. Funny what helps make us healthier is sometimes just letting go of old junk. Anyway, I am going walking on this glorious afternoon. I can bet I come back a better, more together person. Walk. Breathe. Pray.